Blog > Marriage Counseling

Sometimes we are so busy listening that we do not truly hear what the other person is saying. Learn to hear what the other person is saying and attend to how significant it is to them. Listen without dismissing based on your wants and needs.

We may believe what our partner is saying is not so threatening to the relationship. If we listen carefully we will hear their words are telling us what is important to them. It may sound insignificant to you and you dismiss their request. Their expectations may seem ridiculous to you; however, to them it may represent how much we respect and care for them. For example: I leave my pen and tablet on the table thinking I will use it again. My partner asked many times for me to put them in my office. I think it is no big deal to leave them on the table. My partner may interpret that as being disrespectful because it means so much to them to have the table clean.

As time passes, two well-intentioned people will slowly move apart. Your partner may believe you have judged them as insignificant since you did not take their request as important. I may consider my actions insignificant and assume my partner will understand that my actions have nothing to do with how much I care for them.

Listen to what your partner is saying. Listen to what is important to them and stop the pettiness that triggers arguments. I believe this works both ways – each partner listen to what the other is saying that is important to them. Discuss ways to solve the issues and you will promote respect and appreciation for each other. Holding on to pettiness is a deal breaker.

Talk with each other – not “at each other”. Be respectful and caring in your requests and acknowledge your partner’s requests. Work on changing little things so you can enjoy the big things in your life – including your relationship.

If you think your relationship is worth the effort, use your Skills (effective communication, problem solving and team playing). Sometimes that is not an easy task. However, it is possible with continued practice using skills. You decide how much effort and honesty you want to give yourself and your relationship.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

Marriage is commonly defined as a formal union and social and legal contract between two people that unite their lives legally, economically and emotionally. At first, couples may focus on the important building blocks of a healthy and successful marriage. As the relationship continues and time passes, they begin to notice that the relationship lacks the connectedness/closeness that the couple had at the beginning.  Stuff and things and events get in the way of staying close to your partner.

When we allow accumulated things to take the place of genuine caring for each other, the marriage begins to take a backseat to houses, cars, vacations, etc.. All too often this leads to a partner questioning what is their purpose for being in the relationship. Then divorce begins to be a topic of discussion. Sometimes when couples divorce and attempt to begin a life with a new partner, they question whether divorce was the best answer. Note: The grass is usually not greener on the other side unless there is a septic tank under it.

If the couple decides to reconnect, they will need to discuss their new contract. Remember – the original marriage contract was nullified by the divorce. It is important to discuss expectations/boundaries in all areas when the couple negotiates a new contract.

Some things to consider when you reconnect (this contract may not be called marriage–call it what works for you):

• Do I love this person? Am I willing to make a commitment with this person? What do I think and feel about this person? Am I making this new contract out of convenience or am I willing to commit time and energy to this relationship?
• Sexual faithfulness is considered important for many couples. Discuss this part of your contract and clarify if you both agree. Remember: Sexual faithfulness requires self-discipline and an awareness of the consequences.
• Humility/sincerity is important in a healthy relationship. Holding an attitude of superiority/control over your partner will bring resentment and prevent your relationship from moving forward in an honest and respectful manner. Remember: We all make mistakes and we can all make amends/apologies. Consider the things your partner does for you and vice versa.
• Patience and forgiveness are essential in a caring relationship. Again, we all make mistakes and if we are willing, we will make amends. Successful partners will learn and show patience and forgiveness to their partner. Keep your discussions in the present time and avoid bringing up past errors in an effort to hold your partner hostage. This is being said with the understanding that the offending partner will correct the hurtful behavior and will not repeat it.
• Time is a required investment to have a successful relationship; intentional and quality time together. If possible, set aside time each day for you and your spouse. Some days it may be only a brief period of time. Consider “dating” your partner.
• Honesty and trust are the foundation for everything in a successful partnership. When the original marriage was rocky/difficult and the boundaries were not clear, the trust will take time to establish in the reconnecting. Trust is built by having guidelines/agreements and following through with what you agree to do. Building and rebuilding trust requires a great deal of honesty. Make the agreement with your partner and do the work required to be honest and trust will be rebuilt.
• Communication is a building block for any relationship. Of course you will discuss the every day tasks. Also, have an honest and clear discussion about finances/money and make an arrangement that is satisfactory to both parties. Remember to save some time to “just visit.” Talk about your hopes, dreams, fears and whatever is important to you and then listen to your partner.
• Selflessness/generosity will improve the couple’s sense of connectedness. Many marriages are broken by selfishness. Frequently a couple will blame it on finances, lack of commitment, etc.. Being selfish is being committed only to self and showing little patience and caring for your partner. Learn to value your relationship. A successful and healthy relationship is valuable.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:

Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

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Bring a full disclosure of your Actions and your Intent to the table. I will do the same. And, then we can discuss a possible solution to the problem.

Emotional maturity is required to acknowledge/own my actions and my intentions in any transaction. It may be with my personal partner or anyone else. Frequently we come to the Discussion Table in a defensive mode. Think of an incident that a discussion turned into an argument. Ask “What was my part of that? Did I behave in a mature way? Did I govern my thoughts and stay on the subject?”

Emotional maturity is based on what I am telling myself -– my thoughts that lead to those feelings (emotions). Learn to manage your thinking and stay in the present moment with a “problem solving” mode of operating. Look at “how” you enter a conversation. Are you expecting a fight or are you planning to hear the other person and state your view and then use your skills to problem solve.

Do a “benefit analysis” –- ask “What will I benefit by arguing my point? What will I benefit if I listen to the other person? What will I benefit if I use Problem Solving Skills?” Look at it this way — you already know what’s in your head – you do not know what’s in the other person’s head unless you stop and listen to them.

I ran groups with the criminal population for over 25 years. At the end of each 21 weeks of sessions, I told each member what I had learned from them. If we are not too brilliant, we can learn something from everyone we meet; and, we can give something back.

Emotional intelligence is based on knowing how to problem solve in a mature manner. Learn to be calm, confident and peaceful by using Cognitive Behavioral Skills – with self and with others.

We have choices in life. You can choose to learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills and then choose to use them daily.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

 
Bring a full disclosure of your Actions and your Intent to the table. I will do the same. And, then we can discuss a possible solution to the problem.

Emotional maturity is required to acknowledge/own my actions and my intentions in any transaction. It may be with my personal partner or anyone else. Frequently we come to the Discussion Table in a defensive mode. Think of an incident that a discussion turned into an argument. Ask “What was my part of that? Did I behave in a mature way? Did I govern my thoughts and stay on the subject?”

Emotional maturity is based on what I am telling myself -– my thoughts that lead to those feelings (emotions). Learn to manage your thinking and stay in the present moment with a “problem solving” mode of operating. Look at “how” you enter a conversation. Are you expecting a fight or are you planning to hear the other person and state your view and then use your skills to problem solve.

Do a “benefit analysis” –- ask “What will I benefit by arguing my point? What will I benefit if I listen to the other person? What will I benefit if I use Problem Solving Skills?” Look at it this way — you already know what’s in your head – you do not know what’s in the other person’s head unless you stop and listen to them.
I ran groups with the criminal population for over 25 years. At the end of each 21 weeks of sessions, I told each member what I had learned from them. If we are not too brilliant, we can learn something from everyone we meet; and, we can give something back.

Emotional intelligence is based on knowing how to problem solve in a mature manner. Learn to be calm, confident and peaceful by using Cognitive Behavioral Skills – with self and with others.
We have choices in life. You can choose to learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills and then choose to use them daily.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:

Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

A successful marriage supports the growth and strength of both partners. Each partner brings a unique strength and weakness to the union. The key is each partner learning how to manage their own past without throwing it up on the current marriage. Learn to look at your partner and truly see that person.

Ask yourself: What do I really know about my spouse? Did I ask pertinent questions and do my research before I signed the marriage contract with this person? What are the specific issues facing us today? What can I do now to help correct the fears/problems? Am I willing to do an honest evaluation of my contribution to these problems? Do I believe this marriage is worth the effort?

Marriage is a legal contract. If you doubt that, attempt to get out of it without legal procedures. Marriage can also be a contract that helps us feel more secure that we have someone who is on our side. Someone who will be there for you. Someone to share the enjoyable times and the miserable times. A partner to help you evaluate a situation and problem solve – sometimes two heads are better than one if you are on the same side.

A marriage requires an investment of time, energy, love, commitment, sexual faithfulness, humility, patience, forgiveness, honesty, trust, communication, generosity and kindness. Wow – that’s a lot. However, if you and the other person are willing to make an investment, people tell me that it is worth the effort. You will have a true friend with fringe benefits.

Life is filled with choices and we can learn Skills to make wise choices. You decide who and what you want in your life.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work