Life Skills Unlimited

Lisa H. Lang, Ph.D.

110 Red Oak Lane
Flower Mound, TX 75028

Thoughts lead to
Feelings lead to

“I think, therefore I feel.”

Blog > Divorce Counseling

Licensed Professional Counselor
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist
Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist

Stress is an emotional response

Stress is an emotional response based on a mental interpretation of an event. Living in the past creates stress. Think in terms of NOW and what I am capable of doing to change the situation to be more calming and productive. Evaluate the situation using facts vs emotions.

Ask: What have I done in the past that was helpful in a similar situation and how can I use that information in the present? What can I do now to turn this into an opportunity vs stressing about what I cannot do? Who may be able to help me solve this issue? How can I organize my thoughts and behaviors to solve this problem?

Now, you are moving from being stuck in the past to problem solving in the present moment. Sometimes it may be frightening to think “I have to move forward.”; however, you may consider all the capabilities you have now and how you may use them in this situation. Sometimes we have thoughts of failure when faced with a new and demanding decision.

STOP – look at the Facts; evaluate the situation based on your desired outcome. Often we have more choices and capabilities than we thought. Stress is inevitable; however, we have choices of how we interpret any event. We can lessen the magnitude of the stress. Stress is an emotion. Stop and think clearly.

Remember: Thoughts lead to feeling that lead to behaviors.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

divorce is tough

Divorce is difficult even when we are practicing civility. Remember that the person you married is not the person you are divorcing. Divorce is a legal contract – just like that marriage contract you signed.

Divorce is challenging for the adults and even more so for the children. There are mistakes that parents make during divorce that can be avoided is we use skills.
Some common mistakes parents make during divorce:

.Asking your children to be your messenger to the other parent.
.Fighting when your children can hear you.
.Questioning your children about the other parent.
.Explosive behaviors when you are exchanging your children.
.Coaching your children on what to say/do with the other parent.
.Disrupting your child’s extracurricular activities.
.Reviewing your divorce with your child (it is not theirs).
.Bringing your love interest into your child’s life too early.
.Asking (insisting) that your children “choose sides”.
.Your main focus is on divorce – not the children.

Your children need you to be their support system; so, learn how to take care of yourself—-physically, mentally and emotionally. If you care for you in a mature/healthy way, you will be a stronger and more caring parent for your children. Ask for help from your support system so you will avoid leaning on your children to be your adult support.
During the divorce process, we often get angry with the other person. Keep in mind that the speaker gets to say what they want to say and the listener gets to hear (interpret) what they want to hear.

Remember: Emotions have no place in business. During the divorce process, you are doing personal business with this other adult. It is wise to cooperate vs compete during this process. You can make this a mature/problem solving event. If children are involved, it is even more important that each parent behave as a mature adult.
Learn Cognitive-Behavioral Skills and use them daily to help you stay in a compassionate problem-solving mode through the divorce process. Remember: You get to decide how you think, feel, and behave. Emotionally mature people problem solve vs arguing and blaming. (Side Note: If you really want to get even with someone, go on and live your life being healthy and happy.)

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:

Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

kindness vs rudeness

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.” Emily Post

What is your basic belief about people? Do you think humans are basically kind or just a bunch of jerks? How do you use that basic belief to live your life on a daily basis?

How do you manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors when you allow yourself to become frustrated with someone’s behavior? Do you stop and think through the event and ask: “What is the main event in this situation?” “What did that person actually do?” “What did I do?” “What could I have done differently?” That does not mean you are responsible for the other person’s behavior. You are accountable only for your actions.

Do you know how to manage stress and sometimes simply accept frustration and distress? Perhaps there was nothing you could have done differently.

Remember: Self-control, determination, and resilience is your key to self-regulation. Learn the Skills to: Communicate Effectively, Problem Solve, and Team Play. Cognitive Behavioral skills to deal with the stress so you can be kind and calm with your responses. Skills that we all need to live healthier and happier.

Kindness, politeness, manners do not cost a penny; rudeness, offensiveness, nastiness will cost you a lot.

Remember: You get to decide how you Think – feel – Behave.

Thoughts lead to feelings that lead to Behaviors.


Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

What’s up? Solve it.

“Deal With” vs “Dwell On”

How do you deal with what you believe is a problem? Do you dwell on the issue and continue to think in circles? That’s obsessing vs problem solving.

What process, skills, do you use to evaluate any situation so you can make a wise decision? Have you gathered all the facts that are available to you about the situation/event?

Do you look at this event/situation with clear thinking in the present moment? A similar situation may have happened in the past and you are thinking the results will be the same this time. Just because something happened in the past does not necessarily mean it will happen again this time.

Use your Cognitive Behavioral skills. Gather facts using Reflect and Ask method.

Learn to Problem Solve vs assuming. Learn to be calm, confident and peaceful to achieve the results you think are most helpful.

Remember: You have a say in this decision. Use appropriate and helpful skills to reach a factual and wise solution. You Decide.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

problem solve factually

“Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure. The way you think about a fact may defeat you before you ever do anything about it. You are overcome by the fact because you think you are.” Norman Vincent Peale

How do you sort out facts from fiction?
What process do you use to help you view your world more clearly and make wise decisions?

Are you using Cognitive Behavioral skills to stay in the present moment and make wise decisions?

Living in the Past is detrimental. Use your past to motivate you; not hold you back.

Look at the current event/facts and ask:

What is the real issue?
What can I do about this issue?
(Maybe I can do nothing or little that is helpful.)
How may I think of this event/issue differently?
(in a more factual way)
Who might be able to help me sort out this issue?
(maybe there is another view)

Remember: I get to Decide how I Think, feel, and Behave.

Learn Cognitive Behavioral Skills to:
Communicate Effectively
Problem Solve
Team Play/Work

For more counseling information:

Life Skills Unlimited
110 Red Oak Lane
Flower Mound, TX 75028
© 2023 Life Skills Unlimited & Dr. Lisa H. Lang, PhD. All Rights Reserved.

Lisa H. Lang Ph.D. is a licensed professional counselor (LPC) & marriage and family therapist (LMFT) located in Flower Mound, TX with over 30 years experience. She is a Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist and life coach offering psychotherapy, hypnosis, and other solutions to those seeking counseling. Dr. Lang is conveniently located to residents of Flower Mound, Lewisville, Carrollton, Southlake, Grapevine, Coppell, and the Dallas/Fort Worth area.